Living in Hope

A blog about dealing with long term infertility, weight challenges, living a good life and above all being hopeful that we will have a child

The Journey August 7, 2009

Filed under: Thoughts — mrshoping @ 2:58 pm
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Desert RoadYou may recall that I mentioned a while back that I was ready to start treatment again. I knew my RE would soon be back from his holiday. It took me a full 2 weeks before I eventually contacted him. He wants to redo blood tests on day 2, 3, and 4 of my cycle but the problem is that I never get a period on my own; the stubborn old girl always needs some kind of external stimulus before she arrives and even then she takes her own sweet time. I think he forgot about my absent periods when we were talking about the way forward and to be honest so did I. I now need to call him again to give me some kind of period stimulator but it has been a week already and I have still done nothing about it. Why am I dragging my feet about this? I want to try again but I just cannot seem to get going, it seems like such a chore for me, I should be eager and excited but I am not.

I thought long and hard about this last night and I have this theory that is now stuck in my mind, I don’t know what to think of it, is it true or am I over analyzing things. My theory is, I have been on this road for a while, almost as long as I am married. Infertility and cycles and treatments and injections and retrievals and transfers and HPT’s and blood tests and sonograms and miscarriages is all I know. I wonder if my reluctance is my body and mind telling me that it is time to stop this madness but the sad thing is, I know nothing else, all I know is infertility. What will I do with my life if I stop, what will I spend my money on? You may laugh and think I am crazy but it is true, that has been the reality of my life for the last 9 years; everything we buy or do is always measured in IVF or treatment units. If we want to plan a holiday, we always think how many IVF’s will that cost us. If we want to buy something for the house we always think how many injections or sonograms will that cost us. We then do a trade off and it is usually IVF that wins.  We are so used to sacrificing the pleasures is life because we always have to keep money for IVF. I must add though that I am very thankful and grateful that we are in position to be able to afford to do treatment, I know there are many people who cannot afford it.

Time is also always measured in treatment or IVF Cycles. If we do go away for a longer period of time I always think of where I will be in a cycle and will I be back in time for sonograms or injections or retrievals or blood tests. If we are planning something far in advance my first thought is always what if I am pregnant, how will that affect it? I often then decide not to even go just in case I am pregnant. Any future pregnancies of mine will be considered high risk from the beginning, possibly with bed rest. I have lived my life like this for the last 9 years, I do try to be normal but its so hard when you want something so much that it consumes every fibre of your being let alone every moment and aspect of your life. It’s hard to try and live a normal life

I know this may sound really funny to fertile people but you might get it. I cannot imagine my life without infertility and treatment. I hardly ever even imagine a baby at the end of it all, all I can think of is doing treatment. I imagine the road and the journey but rarely the final destination. It is like an addiction, a road to nowhere and I don’t know how to stop even if I wanted to I don’t think I could. I just continue on the endless road which goes through the long desert because that is the way it has been and that is the way it will be. The alternative scares me, if I get off the road and stop I will forever be stuck in the dry and lonely desert, so for now I will remain on the road hoping that it will bring to the oasis I so desperately want and need.

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5 Responses to “The Journey”

  1. Blanche Says:

    It’s definitely superstition, but I can’t bring myself to imagine the destination for fear of never reaching it. Here’s to an oasis appearing sooner than anticipated!

  2. teejay Says:

    I can relate to all of your feelings. Now that we are done with medical help because the money is gone, I don’t really know how to “live”. I know I can do anything, eat and drink anything but it’s still in the back of my head…”what day is it? if I ovulated then I can’t drink that beer…” Old habits die hard. I hope you get a wonderful oasis very soon and that this long journey can come to a most blissful end so that your Motherhood journey can begin.

  3. It’s so hard to say and such a personal choice. My instinct is that while the desire is there you’re not ready to get back at it. It doesn’t mean that you’re giving up, but you’re just not there. On the other hand, it could simply be fear (simply! – not really) holding you back – fear of the unknown, fear of the known, fear of not reaching your goal. If it’s this, I say jump in now. Make the call before you change your mind. Soon enough you’ll be back in the swing – if that’s what you want.

    I know it’s so hard to have a ‘normal’ life when trying to conceive and have a baby. Everything revolves around cycles & days of the cycle etc. For me, the possibility of having a baby at the end of it makes things worth while. I’ve been at it for 3 years… I don’t know how I’d feel if it’d been 9.

  4. teejay Says:

    Just wanted to stop in and let you know that I nominated you for an award on my blog. I hope you are doing well today.

  5. mekate Says:

    First– thank you for your sweet comment on my blog. It was very nice of you to stop by,
    and oh, how I get what you mean about being caught up in the process of trying and striving and the drumbeat craziness of cycling and cycling and cycling, and after 9 years, I totally believe that it is a way of being in the world. I also understand the pushpull of familiarity on the one hand, fueled of course by desire, and on the other hand, wondering about what it might be like to not be doing this.

    I can only say I sympathize, I have no advice, I would like to think that we will all know what to do and when we need to make changes, but that it not always true either.

    I wish you all the best on this journey, no matter what roads you take.

    Your writing is beautiful, thank you for stopping by so I could come and find you here. I’ll be rooting for you no matter what choice or choices you make.

    warm wishes,
    Kate


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