So after reading all the good news on sunshine’s blog, I think it is time I discuss that subject I hate so much and try to avoid at all costs, MY WEIGHT!!!
I have always been a heavy no fat girl. I joke and say that I must have been a fat embryo.
I have always struggled with my weight, my mother always struggled with my weight, my early memories are of my mother talking to friends or family saying that she was concerned about my weight, I remember them telling her not to worry it was “just baby fat” and it would disappear as soon as I got AF. AF arrived early for me at the age of 11 but the weight stayed. I again remember my mother raising her concerns to friends and they comforted her saying the weight would go when I “became a teenager and became interested in boys”; yes back in those days we only started dating in our teens, for me in my late teens very unlike today’s children. The weight never went even though I was fairly active and played a number of sports, I desperately wanted the weight to go so I added a variety of diets to the sport, including starvation, what teenager does not want to be svelte and sexy for the boys but the weight still did not shift.
Despite the weight I had a number of interested suitors and a number of boyfriends, they always thought my “curves” were sexy, one boyfriend said that his brother was envious of him because if he (my boyfriend) married me, he would be warm sleeping next to me whereas his brother was married to a super slim woman, who was apparently no fun to sleep with. Maybe that is where my complacity started, I had tried diet and exercise both failed and I remained a size 16 sometimes 18 but despite that people especially men found me attractive even beautiful. I always took special care of what I wore as well as my hair and make up, I felt I had to compensate for my fat. I always thought I was ugly but it seems most people did not agree.
When I met my husband and he doted on me, I started to think well maybe I am not so bad after all. I was happy and at the age of 25 I was engaged to handsome man who thought I was his fairytale princess, maybe I was not so ugly after all. I married and was so happy then within a year we started on the infertility roller coaster, we started with the mild drugs like clomid and pretty soon had to move onto the hard drugs and because I was a poor responder I always took masses of injections for a longer periods. We experienced our first miscarriage, I was trapped in the cycle, my weight started climbing, no exercise coupled with comfort eating and infertility drug was a recipe for disaster. My mother was really concerned about my weight and frankly so was I but as the years of dealing with IF became more and more so did my desire to deal with my weight become less and less. I only focused trying to get pg and once there to stay pg. Sadly I am now a size 20 sometimes 22 , I probably could do a size 18 in some clothes but am so embarrassed that I hide behind bigger clothes. I am ashamed and hate my body but just cannot seem to loose it. My diet is OK I follow a diabetic type diet because I have glucose issues but I do have binge issues and do no exercise.
After the loss of my twins I was down 16 pounds from when I got pg with them partly due to morning sickness and a strict diet as I was afraid of developing hypertension and gestational diabetes. Sadly I have gained all that weight back. Each negative since then has seen me gain a pound or 2 but I still don’t exercise, I don’t like exercise, I hate sweating but I know I have to but still I don’t . I know I could go walking but don’t, I have tried various home exercise programs but none last very long. So there it is I have confessed the ugly ugly truth about my weight.