Nostalgia July 5, 2009

I baked chocolate brownies today and cried all the time. I cried because I would love nothing more than to bake brownies with and for my child/children. To see the joy on their faces when they bite into the rich chocolaty treat, to see the chocolate all over their faces, hands and clothes, to clean the chocolate off them, kiss them on the forehead, tell them Mommy loves them and send them off to play. Will I ever get to experience those motherly joys or will it forever be a dream and never reality.

Failure and Adoption June 28, 2009

I am writing this post with my eyes swollen, so swollen, I can barely see but I need to get this off my chest. My eyes are swollen because I have been crying for the last 2 hours.My parents were here today and before they left my Dad told my husband and I that he would like to speak to us, when he started I just knew what was coming and fought hard to control the tears but when he said those word the sobs erupted with such a violent force that I ran to my room and locked myself in there while my heart broke again. My fathers speech was something along the lines of we (DH and I) love each other so much, we love our pets so much, we have so much love to give to others, our home is open to others and we are prepared to help when helped is needed, in short he wishes that we would adopt, he then started crying and said that when he closes his eyes one day, he wants to know that we will be happy, that we too will have children who will love us as much as we love them, I am not sure what the rest was because that is when I ran out of the room sobbing. They left pretty soon after that apologizing if they had offended us or said anything wrong but they said it because they love us. I have been crying non stop since then a because I know have let my parents down so much, I know their greatest wish is to be grandparents and they deserve it, I have let my husband down he deserves a wife who can give him children. I am such a failure, right now I hate myself and my stupid body.

Then I need to address the A word………………………….. Adoption.

In the last 5 or so years (once I realized that it is very possible that it will never happen for us) I have thought much about adoption, I am not against adoption, in fact I would like nothing more than to love and raise and teach a child about life, see the world through their eye’s, experience motherhood in all its glory BUT I am so scared because it will never be 100% my child. I have discussed this matter at length with friends who have adopted and I don’t think they get where I am because they do not have the same fears/irrationality’s that I do. I want the child to be mine 100%,  it will just break my heart when that  child goes to look for their biological mother, I would have given my all to that child, I know that I will raise them 200% as if they were my own biological child and then when the day comes that they start asking or go searching, I don’t think I will be able to deal with that. I know that most adopted children just want to know where they come from but their adopted parents are always their “parents” but for me that is not enough. If I could have everything my way I would not even want to tell the child that he or she is adopted and that, I know is very wrong, I have to tell them.

I am too messed up about adoption to do it. I know many people think my fear/thinking is irrational but I cannot deny it. Today I am not hopeful today I am very very scared, scared that we are never going to have children, scared that I am never going to have a child wrap their arms around my neck and say Mom I love you, scared that I will never have a sick child want only me being their Mom tomcomfort them, I  am so scared and panicked , I feel a physical pain my heart. The tears continue to roll but it does not take away the pain of the fear in fact it just increases it so maybe I should stop here

Negative June 22, 2009

Final confirmation, beta came back negative. I am totally OK, did not even shed a tear about this, guess I really did not expect much from this cycle. I am going to take this cycle off, we cannot afford to cycle this month, our medical insurance does not cover infertility treatment. Think I am going to go home and have nice big glass of wine tonight.

Siblings Children May 23, 2009

So one of my sibling’s recently got married. My immediate thought was “I wonder how long they will wait before they start a family”

I love them they are a wonderful couple and deserve happiness but I cannot help my feelings of inadequacy. I am going to be the last sibling without any children, I am going to be the odd one out at family gatherings, I am going to be the only one without children and its going to kill me. I will smile and be happy on the outside but inside I will be dying.

On another note, I saw myself in the wedding photo’s I hate looking at it, it just shows how fat I am but nonetheless I have been comfort eating again lately so how can I expect to loose weight