Emotions July 4, 2009

The last week has been very emotional for me, every time I think of Sundays events my eyes fill with tears. I have been avoiding my parents, it’s all too painful for me to even think of.

I have been mulling over the adoption question, after so many years, so many treatments, failure and losses our chances of succeeding are significantly reduced. Maybe its time I looked at more options. At the beginning of this journey I was of the opinion that there were certain things and treatments that we would not do for various reasons but as time went by and the failures grew I became more and more open to those alternatives. One of them was PGD, when I heard about PGD I said that I would never do it but as we experienced loss after loss, I decided that it was an option for us and we did it. It was preferable to going through another devastating miscarriage. It did not work for us but at least we tried it.

Maybe I am being silly about the whole Birth Mother thing. Being the Adopted Mother has so be so much better than being no ones mother. Like I said in my previous post I would love the child as it were my own flesh and blood. I have been having visions of us and later on me being a lonely old person. I know it has alot to do with what my father said but I am scared, I am scared of never being a mother to anyone other than my pets.

Failure and Adoption June 28, 2009

I am writing this post with my eyes swollen, so swollen, I can barely see but I need to get this off my chest. My eyes are swollen because I have been crying for the last 2 hours.My parents were here today and before they left my Dad told my husband and I that he would like to speak to us, when he started I just knew what was coming and fought hard to control the tears but when he said those word the sobs erupted with such a violent force that I ran to my room and locked myself in there while my heart broke again. My fathers speech was something along the lines of we (DH and I) love each other so much, we love our pets so much, we have so much love to give to others, our home is open to others and we are prepared to help when helped is needed, in short he wishes that we would adopt, he then started crying and said that when he closes his eyes one day, he wants to know that we will be happy, that we too will have children who will love us as much as we love them, I am not sure what the rest was because that is when I ran out of the room sobbing. They left pretty soon after that apologizing if they had offended us or said anything wrong but they said it because they love us. I have been crying non stop since then a because I know have let my parents down so much, I know their greatest wish is to be grandparents and they deserve it, I have let my husband down he deserves a wife who can give him children. I am such a failure, right now I hate myself and my stupid body.

Then I need to address the A word………………………….. Adoption.

In the last 5 or so years (once I realized that it is very possible that it will never happen for us) I have thought much about adoption, I am not against adoption, in fact I would like nothing more than to love and raise and teach a child about life, see the world through their eye’s, experience motherhood in all its glory BUT I am so scared because it will never be 100% my child. I have discussed this matter at length with friends who have adopted and I don’t think they get where I am because they do not have the same fears/irrationality’s that I do. I want the child to be mine 100%,  it will just break my heart when that  child goes to look for their biological mother, I would have given my all to that child, I know that I will raise them 200% as if they were my own biological child and then when the day comes that they start asking or go searching, I don’t think I will be able to deal with that. I know that most adopted children just want to know where they come from but their adopted parents are always their “parents” but for me that is not enough. If I could have everything my way I would not even want to tell the child that he or she is adopted and that, I know is very wrong, I have to tell them.

I am too messed up about adoption to do it. I know many people think my fear/thinking is irrational but I cannot deny it. Today I am not hopeful today I am very very scared, scared that we are never going to have children, scared that I am never going to have a child wrap their arms around my neck and say Mom I love you, scared that I will never have a sick child want only me being their Mom tomcomfort them, I  am so scared and panicked , I feel a physical pain my heart. The tears continue to roll but it does not take away the pain of the fear in fact it just increases it so maybe I should stop here

Ultrasound May 27, 2009

So todays ultasound revealed that nothing is happening, I am continuing my injections and will check again on Friday. I am afraid but am hoping that Friday brings good news. Of course when I am nervous I eat badly