The Journey August 7, 2009

You may recall that I mentioned a while back that I was ready to start treatment again. I knew my RE would soon be back from his holiday. It took me a full 2 weeks before I eventually contacted him. He wants to redo blood tests on day 2, 3, and 4 of my cycle but the problem is that I never get a period on my own; the stubborn old girl always needs some kind of external stimulus before she arrives and even then she takes her own sweet time. I think he forgot about my absent periods when we were talking about the way forward and to be honest so did I. I now need to call him again to give me some kind of period stimulator but it has been a week already and I have still done nothing about it. Why am I dragging my feet about this? I want to try again but I just cannot seem to get going, it seems like such a chore for me, I should be eager and excited but I am not.

I thought long and hard about this last night and I have this theory that is now stuck in my mind, I don’t know what to think of it, is it true or am I over analyzing things. My theory is, I have been on this road for a while, almost as long as I am married. Infertility and cycles and treatments and injections and retrievals and transfers and HPT’s and blood tests and sonograms and miscarriages is all I know. I wonder if my reluctance is my body and mind telling me that it is time to stop this madness but the sad thing is, I know nothing else, all I know is infertility. What will I do with my life if I stop, what will I spend my money on? You may laugh and think I am crazy but it is true, that has been the reality of my life for the last 9 years; everything we buy or do is always measured in IVF or treatment units. If we want to plan a holiday, we always think how many IVF’s will that cost us. If we want to buy something for the house we always think how many injections or sonograms will that cost us. We then do a trade off and it is usually IVF that wins.  We are so used to sacrificing the pleasures is life because we always have to keep money for IVF. I must add though that I am very thankful and grateful that we are in position to be able to afford to do treatment, I know there are many people who cannot afford it.

Time is also always measured in treatment or IVF Cycles. If we do go away for a longer period of time I always think of where I will be in a cycle and will I be back in time for sonograms or injections or retrievals or blood tests. If we are planning something far in advance my first thought is always what if I am pregnant, how will that affect it? I often then decide not to even go just in case I am pregnant. Any future pregnancies of mine will be considered high risk from the beginning, possibly with bed rest. I have lived my life like this for the last 9 years, I do try to be normal but its so hard when you want something so much that it consumes every fibre of your being let alone every moment and aspect of your life. It’s hard to try and live a normal life

I know this may sound really funny to fertile people but you might get it. I cannot imagine my life without infertility and treatment. I hardly ever even imagine a baby at the end of it all, all I can think of is doing treatment. I imagine the road and the journey but rarely the final destination. It is like an addiction, a road to nowhere and I don’t know how to stop even if I wanted to I don’t think I could. I just continue on the endless road which goes through the long desert because that is the way it has been and that is the way it will be. The alternative scares me, if I get off the road and stop I will forever be stuck in the dry and lonely desert, so for now I will remain on the road hoping that it will bring to the oasis I so desperately want and need.

Negative June 22, 2009

Final confirmation, beta came back negative. I am totally OK, did not even shed a tear about this, guess I really did not expect much from this cycle. I am going to take this cycle off, we cannot afford to cycle this month, our medical insurance does not cover infertility treatment. Think I am going to go home and have nice big glass of wine tonight.

HPT 2 June 21, 2009

Tested again today; well of course it was negative but like my blog I always have some hope in the back of my mind, I know it is crazy but this is the only way I could have come this far. I hate having to go for a beta and get that pity phone call that it is once again negative but my clinic insists on a beta.

I have changed the theme on my blog to something light and colourful, I don’t want a gloom to settle on me now.

HPT Addiction June 20, 2009

I confess I am an addict, always have been. If only I had the fore site 10 years ago to buy shares in a company that makes HPT’s there are too many of us who suffer from that unhealthy addiction.

The reason I have not been able to shake my addiction is because they work for me. In 5 of my 6 pregnancies the HPT showed 2 lines before I had to do the beta. The only one that did not was my ectopic pregnancy so for obvious reasons the beta’s were low and undetectable.

So I did a HPT this morning and it was negative. Can’t say I am surprised have not had much hope for this cycle. will do another HPT tomorrow and then my beta on Monday but I think we are done with this one

You said what? June 5, 2009

So I went to see my RE yesterday for the obligatory ‘post failed cycled discussion’ to discuss and decide what to do next. I love my RE he is a real ‘mensch’ but I really thought he had gone mad, here’s why

In the middle of our discussion he suddenly stops and says to me “let’s do an ultrasound”. I looked at him in confusion and said “what?” he said “lets just do an ultrasound and see what’s going on in there”, I smirked at him and thinking whatever man it’s a total waste of time we know this is a bust but I do it anyways. I was not even looking at the monitor, I just continued looking at him while chatting away about what I think we should do next (yes I have gotten to that stage where I am a very active participant in my treatment, he not longer tells me what to do, we decide it together)  Suddenly he says “I cannot believe it”, I look at the screen and immediately see a nice big black dot (what was a initially just a blurred screen to me when started this journey is now a clear picture of my insides because I can now read the ultrasound as well as any of them can).

By some miracle after we cancelled the cycle and stopped all shots one lonely follicle has resurrected itself from the ashes and the lining has also grown nicely. He told me to do nothing and come back today to check again. Well I just got back and it was all good today so I had a trigger injection and we will try naturally so that this cycle is not a total bust. I asked for a possible explanation for this strange occurrence and he said that it is possible (although rare) for very resistant ovaries to only kick in after the shots are stopped. It’s going to make things interesting and challenging as far as shots go for future cycles but for now I am thankful for small mercies.

Ultrasound May 27, 2009

So todays ultasound revealed that nothing is happening, I am continuing my injections and will check again on Friday. I am afraid but am hoping that Friday brings good news. Of course when I am nervous I eat badly

Another Cycle May 25, 2009

So I have started yet another cycle, we have done a 5 cycles since the devastating second trimester loss of our twins. Admittedly they were all not IVF but they were all negative so equally disappointing. I thought it would be easier to get pregnant after making it to the second trimester but that only happens to other people; as with everything with me and my infertility battle; nothing is ever easy.

Today is the 4^th day of my injections “my habit” as I like to call it. I have injected myself so many times over the last 9 years that I can literally do it with my eyes closed. I am taking it one day at a time trying not to focus on it too much, I am so scared but I am hopeful. I have to be hopeful otherwise I would not still be doing this after so many years, so many cycles and so many failures. Although one needs to be careful not to loose focus too much, on Saturday I literally forgot to do my injections and ended up doing them 3hrs later than the norm. Now if I was a newbie at this I would have freaked out and called the clinic in a panic but I am a seasoned VET so I just shrugged my shoulders and said whatever. My ultrasound is on Wednesday so more updates then.

We have told no one that we are cycling. It’s so much easier that way, no questions, no people wondering or asking if you have had success yet. I am a VET, I don’t do the cycle buddy thing, I passed that stage years ago.  There are also no people wising bad thoughts on you. You may be surprised but I have a fellow IF acquaintance who wishes bad things/karma/whatever you want to call it on people if they have success. She let it slip with me once (that is the day I knew we would never really be good friends) and I have seen her do it with other people (whom she calls best friends) who have been successful. She will avoid you for the duration of your pregnancy and when things go wrong for you she is there to cheer and bring tissues. I know that as a VET it hard to deal with other people’s pregnancies and I understand the need for space and understanding for the VET, its so hard, I know I have been there too, the “left behind” feeling is sooo painful but she takes it too far. I would never wish harm on anyone’s child or pregnancy same as I hope they would never do that to me.