My Taboo Subject August 29, 2009

So after reading all the good news on sunshine’s blog, I think it is time I discuss that subject I hate so much and try to avoid at all costs, MY WEIGHT!!!
I have always been a heavy no fat girl. I joke and say that I must have been a fat embryo.

I have always struggled with my weight, my mother always struggled with my weight, my early memories are of my mother talking to friends or family saying that she was concerned about my weight, I remember them telling her not to worry it was “just baby fat” and it would disappear as  soon as I got AF.  AF arrived early for me at the age of 11 but the weight stayed. I again remember my mother raising her concerns to friends and they comforted her saying the weight would go when I “became a teenager and became interested in boys”; yes back in those days we only started dating in our teens,  for me in my late teens very unlike today’s children. The weight never went even though I was fairly active and played a number of sports, I desperately wanted the weight to go so I added a variety of diets to the sport, including starvation, what teenager does not want to be svelte and sexy for the boys but the weight still did not shift.

Despite the weight I had a number of interested suitors and a number of boyfriends, they always thought my “curves” were sexy, one boyfriend said that his brother was envious of him because if he (my boyfriend) married me, he would be warm sleeping next to me whereas his brother was married to a super slim woman, who was apparently no fun to sleep with. Maybe that is where my complacity started, I had tried diet and exercise both failed and I remained a size 16 sometimes 18 but despite that people especially men found me attractive even beautiful. I always took special care of  what I wore as well as my hair and make up, I felt I had to compensate for my fat. I always thought I was ugly but it seems most people did not agree.

When I met my husband and he doted on me, I started to think well maybe I am not so bad after all. I was happy and at the age of 25 I was engaged to handsome man who thought I was his fairytale princess, maybe I was not so ugly after all. I married and was so happy then within  a year we started on the infertility roller coaster, we started with the mild drugs like clomid and pretty soon had to move onto the hard drugs and because I was a poor responder I always took masses of injections for a longer periods. We experienced our first miscarriage, I was trapped in the cycle, my weight started climbing, no exercise coupled with comfort eating and infertility drug was a recipe for disaster. My mother was really concerned about my weight and frankly so was I but as the years of dealing with IF became more and more so did my desire to deal with my weight become less and less. I only focused trying to get pg and once there to stay pg. Sadly I am now a size 20 sometimes 22 , I probably could do a size 18 in some clothes but am so embarrassed that I hide behind bigger clothes. I am ashamed and hate my body but just cannot seem to loose it. My diet is OK I follow a diabetic type diet because I have glucose issues but I do have binge issues  and do no exercise.

After the loss of my twins I was down 16 pounds from when I got pg with them partly due to morning sickness and a strict diet as I was afraid of developing hypertension and gestational diabetes. Sadly I have gained all that weight back. Each negative since then has seen me gain a pound or 2 but I still don’t exercise, I don’t like exercise, I hate sweating but I know I have to but still I don’t . I know I could go walking but don’t, I have tried various home exercise programs but none last very long. So there it is I have confessed the ugly ugly truth about my weight.

Failure and Adoption June 28, 2009

I am writing this post with my eyes swollen, so swollen, I can barely see but I need to get this off my chest. My eyes are swollen because I have been crying for the last 2 hours.My parents were here today and before they left my Dad told my husband and I that he would like to speak to us, when he started I just knew what was coming and fought hard to control the tears but when he said those word the sobs erupted with such a violent force that I ran to my room and locked myself in there while my heart broke again. My fathers speech was something along the lines of we (DH and I) love each other so much, we love our pets so much, we have so much love to give to others, our home is open to others and we are prepared to help when helped is needed, in short he wishes that we would adopt, he then started crying and said that when he closes his eyes one day, he wants to know that we will be happy, that we too will have children who will love us as much as we love them, I am not sure what the rest was because that is when I ran out of the room sobbing. They left pretty soon after that apologizing if they had offended us or said anything wrong but they said it because they love us. I have been crying non stop since then a because I know have let my parents down so much, I know their greatest wish is to be grandparents and they deserve it, I have let my husband down he deserves a wife who can give him children. I am such a failure, right now I hate myself and my stupid body.

Then I need to address the A word………………………….. Adoption.

In the last 5 or so years (once I realized that it is very possible that it will never happen for us) I have thought much about adoption, I am not against adoption, in fact I would like nothing more than to love and raise and teach a child about life, see the world through their eye’s, experience motherhood in all its glory BUT I am so scared because it will never be 100% my child. I have discussed this matter at length with friends who have adopted and I don’t think they get where I am because they do not have the same fears/irrationality’s that I do. I want the child to be mine 100%,  it will just break my heart when that  child goes to look for their biological mother, I would have given my all to that child, I know that I will raise them 200% as if they were my own biological child and then when the day comes that they start asking or go searching, I don’t think I will be able to deal with that. I know that most adopted children just want to know where they come from but their adopted parents are always their “parents” but for me that is not enough. If I could have everything my way I would not even want to tell the child that he or she is adopted and that, I know is very wrong, I have to tell them.

I am too messed up about adoption to do it. I know many people think my fear/thinking is irrational but I cannot deny it. Today I am not hopeful today I am very very scared, scared that we are never going to have children, scared that I am never going to have a child wrap their arms around my neck and say Mom I love you, scared that I will never have a sick child want only me being their Mom tomcomfort them, I  am so scared and panicked , I feel a physical pain my heart. The tears continue to roll but it does not take away the pain of the fear in fact it just increases it so maybe I should stop here

Negative June 22, 2009

Final confirmation, beta came back negative. I am totally OK, did not even shed a tear about this, guess I really did not expect much from this cycle. I am going to take this cycle off, we cannot afford to cycle this month, our medical insurance does not cover infertility treatment. Think I am going to go home and have nice big glass of wine tonight.

HPT 2 June 21, 2009

Tested again today; well of course it was negative but like my blog I always have some hope in the back of my mind, I know it is crazy but this is the only way I could have come this far. I hate having to go for a beta and get that pity phone call that it is once again negative but my clinic insists on a beta.

I have changed the theme on my blog to something light and colourful, I don’t want a gloom to settle on me now.

HPT Addiction June 20, 2009

I confess I am an addict, always have been. If only I had the fore site 10 years ago to buy shares in a company that makes HPT’s there are too many of us who suffer from that unhealthy addiction.

The reason I have not been able to shake my addiction is because they work for me. In 5 of my 6 pregnancies the HPT showed 2 lines before I had to do the beta. The only one that did not was my ectopic pregnancy so for obvious reasons the beta’s were low and undetectable.

So I did a HPT this morning and it was negative. Can’t say I am surprised have not had much hope for this cycle. will do another HPT tomorrow and then my beta on Monday but I think we are done with this one

Cycle Cancelled June 1, 2009

Nothing much else to say I guess. After 10 days of injections; there was absolutely nothing happening, no follicles and no lining. My estrogen blood test was 323 proving that nothing was going on. Will have a follow up with my RE and take it from there but needless to say, I am totally gutted, we were stopped before we even got past the first point. Why is this so hard, I am not very hopeful today, I am scared and I am very sad and I have started to comfort eat already. I cannot wait to get home tonight and cry myself to sleep.