De Ja Vu! June 8, 2009

We gave up trying to make a baby “the old fashioned way” years ago. In many ways it was sad that we had to move to the “big stuff” to have a baby and to accept that the natural way would not work for us but it was also great because our intimate life had really started to go south during that time, it was too much pressure. We only ever “did it” to make a baby, I had developed such a mental block about it!

So when we moved to IVF, our intimate life improved because we were “doing it” for the right reasons; as an expression of our love, for intimacy, for closeness and caring etc. So this past weekend brought back that old challenge, we had to “do it” to make a baby. We both instantly felt the pressure and stress of it. 4 nights ago we were eager and happy and spontaneous about it. Suddenly on Saturday we both struggled, it was slightly awkward and mechanical but we managed. We will give it 2 more go’s just for good measure, make sure we have many good swimmers in there; who knows miracles do happen. Then hopefully we won’t for the next 10 months (due to my history, we are allowed “no contact” once a pregnancy is confirmed, my poor husband but he understands it will all be for a good cause)

You said what? June 5, 2009

So I went to see my RE yesterday for the obligatory ‘post failed cycled discussion’ to discuss and decide what to do next. I love my RE he is a real ‘mensch’ but I really thought he had gone mad, here’s why

In the middle of our discussion he suddenly stops and says to me “let’s do an ultrasound”. I looked at him in confusion and said “what?” he said “lets just do an ultrasound and see what’s going on in there”, I smirked at him and thinking whatever man it’s a total waste of time we know this is a bust but I do it anyways. I was not even looking at the monitor, I just continued looking at him while chatting away about what I think we should do next (yes I have gotten to that stage where I am a very active participant in my treatment, he not longer tells me what to do, we decide it together)  Suddenly he says “I cannot believe it”, I look at the screen and immediately see a nice big black dot (what was a initially just a blurred screen to me when started this journey is now a clear picture of my insides because I can now read the ultrasound as well as any of them can).

By some miracle after we cancelled the cycle and stopped all shots one lonely follicle has resurrected itself from the ashes and the lining has also grown nicely. He told me to do nothing and come back today to check again. Well I just got back and it was all good today so I had a trigger injection and we will try naturally so that this cycle is not a total bust. I asked for a possible explanation for this strange occurrence and he said that it is possible (although rare) for very resistant ovaries to only kick in after the shots are stopped. It’s going to make things interesting and challenging as far as shots go for future cycles but for now I am thankful for small mercies.

2nd Ultrasound May 31, 2009

Nothing much to update from Fridays ultrasound, there was not much development. I fought hard to keep back the tears that we stinging my eyes. One because the ultrasound technician really hurt me while trying to find my left ovary, it felt like she was ripping my insides out, ( I think she was just desperate to find some better news for me)  two because there is so little development. I am terrified we are going to have cancel another cycle before we even start.  I want this to work, I need it to work. I continue to hope.

I drank quite  alot  this weekend, I know ideally I should not but WTF so little is happening at least it made me feel good and I had fun. On the upside I felt some tinges in my ovaries so lets see what tomorrow’s ultrasound reveals.

Ultrasound May 27, 2009

So todays ultasound revealed that nothing is happening, I am continuing my injections and will check again on Friday. I am afraid but am hoping that Friday brings good news. Of course when I am nervous I eat badly

Another Cycle May 25, 2009

So I have started yet another cycle, we have done a 5 cycles since the devastating second trimester loss of our twins. Admittedly they were all not IVF but they were all negative so equally disappointing. I thought it would be easier to get pregnant after making it to the second trimester but that only happens to other people; as with everything with me and my infertility battle; nothing is ever easy.

Today is the 4^th day of my injections “my habit” as I like to call it. I have injected myself so many times over the last 9 years that I can literally do it with my eyes closed. I am taking it one day at a time trying not to focus on it too much, I am so scared but I am hopeful. I have to be hopeful otherwise I would not still be doing this after so many years, so many cycles and so many failures. Although one needs to be careful not to loose focus too much, on Saturday I literally forgot to do my injections and ended up doing them 3hrs later than the norm. Now if I was a newbie at this I would have freaked out and called the clinic in a panic but I am a seasoned VET so I just shrugged my shoulders and said whatever. My ultrasound is on Wednesday so more updates then.

We have told no one that we are cycling. It’s so much easier that way, no questions, no people wondering or asking if you have had success yet. I am a VET, I don’t do the cycle buddy thing, I passed that stage years ago.  There are also no people wising bad thoughts on you. You may be surprised but I have a fellow IF acquaintance who wishes bad things/karma/whatever you want to call it on people if they have success. She let it slip with me once (that is the day I knew we would never really be good friends) and I have seen her do it with other people (whom she calls best friends) who have been successful. She will avoid you for the duration of your pregnancy and when things go wrong for you she is there to cheer and bring tissues. I know that as a VET it hard to deal with other people’s pregnancies and I understand the need for space and understanding for the VET, its so hard, I know I have been there too, the “left behind” feeling is sooo painful but she takes it too far. I would never wish harm on anyone’s child or pregnancy same as I hope they would never do that to me.