Another Award August 15, 2009

Wow I am so honoured to have I received another award, One Lovely Blog award, thank you teejay http://teejay-inconceivable.blogspot.com/

So I am going to try my best to get this right, I am not very good with all the technical blog stuff, lets see how it goes, I don’t read that many blogs and some of you may have received it already but I enjoy reading your blog and think its lovely so will nominate you.

Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link.
Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

 

Kate at http://i-cant-whistle.blogspot.com/

Sunshine at http://waitinginsunshine.typepad.com/blog/

Phoebe at http://talesphoenix.blogspot.com/

Sweet Georgia at http://babydancings.blogspot.com/

Mrs Higrens at http://higrensandco.blogspot.com/

As you can see I don’t know how to add a link or post the picture on the side, perhaps someone can help me.

I have been Honoured July 30, 2009

Sweet Georgia at http://babydancings.blogspot.com/   nominated me for the Honest Scrap Award.

 

The rules are pretty simple:
Post the picture on your blog
List 10 honest things about yourself
Pass the award on to 7 other bloggers. Link them on your site and let them know.

So here goes:
I am a loner, I love to spend quiet time with myself
I am a total shopaholic
I used to bite my nails, getting my nails done professionally fixed that
I had my first kiss at 10, in my defence I was totally in love
Even though I am hopeful; I am always sad
I have zero self confidence
I am 80% grey
I hate my job
I love food
I love wine

I don’t know that many bloggers and most of those who I do read have already been honured but if you stop by to read or comment consider yourself honoured by me and do the same on your blog.

What keeps us going? July 18, 2009

I am ready to proceed with our next course of action/treatment. My RE is back from his holiday next week so we will discuss and plan where to next (like I said before being a VET entitles me to jointly decide with my RE on my treatment). When it looked like my cycle was going to be cancelled the last time, we decided we needed to do some blood tests and see how things are going with my hormones. We also need to possibly look at doing another HSG to make sure all is well with my uterine cavity, will keep you updated.

So all this plotting and planning got me thinking about what has made me persevere for all these years; failure after failure, loss after loss we pick ourselves dust ourselves (and often our negative attitudes) off and proceed with the next treatment. For me I think it is a couple of things, like I said I have the determination to continue and hopefully achieve a live healthy baby. The courage to endure the injections, the ultrasounds, the procedures, the surgeries, the losses, the pain, the heartache. It does take courage to continue doing this year after year, I know of a number of people who after 1 or 2 rounds of treatment (often not even IVF) gave up saying it was too hard for them. And above all I have the hope and belief (yes some days my belief is at an all time low) that we will have success.

I often think of it like climbing a really big mountain, as you go higher and higher it gets harder and harder but you also know that you are getting closer the goal, closer to the summit. If you feel like you can go no further, you tell yourself that over the next rise you will see the peak, so you continue on instead of turning back. I feel like that, I have come so far and endured so much, I cannot go back now, surely my goal/baby lies just beyond the next rise. I feel like I am so close, I have to be close! I may be totally misguided but I really feel like I have to keep going, I somehow feel like my hard work, perseverance and courage will be rewarded.

Am I being silly? I know I don’t have many readers but would be interested to hear your thoughts on my thoughts and also what your thoughts are for yourself and your continuing quest for child? I have many more thoughts about this but that is for another post.

Rest in peace Michael June 26, 2009

I am truly saddened to hear of the passing of the King of Pop.  I loved his music especially in the early days and no one can deny he was a fantastic entertainer.  His music is such a wonderful reminder of my youth when life was so much simpler and therefore many of my “firsts” which are somehow connected to his music. Wherever you are MJ may you rest in peace and know that your music will live on forever.

One week down, one to go. June 17, 2009

Been gone a few days, I have just come back from a few days away, it was good to rest and relax and “forget” about the fact that I have to test next Monday. I am quite ambivalent about this cycle, could be because of the ups and downs.

Anyways I totally overindulged in food (including sushi and rare steak) and drink, yes I had quite a few glasses of wine, some of you might gasp at that but I don’t think it makes a difference. Most normal people drink and smoke up till the day they discover they are pregnant which is usually around 7-9 weeks and they go on to have healthy babies so I am not going to get all stressed out about it.

All in all I had a good time.

Perspective and Thankfulness June 2, 2009

So, I felt very sorry for myself last night, had a good cry/sob/howl as soon as I got home, indulged in junk/bad food, ate chocolate and bemoaned our fate to my wonderful husband. I then sat down and started to flip through the channels and saw the news about the missing Air France Jet. I eventually found a movie to watch but that sat in the back of mind all the time. Lying in bed last night I could not stop thinking about the terror those people on board that flight must have gone through in those last seconds (it’s not confirmed yet but I think we all know what happened) and of their families and friends who are left behind, those people will never again see a parent, a child, a grand parent, a grand child, a sibling, a partner, a friend, a lover. My thoughts and prayers go out to all involved; may they find the strength to deal with what lies ahead for them and may those who have passed rest in peace. How terribly terribly sad, it put things into perspective for me, my life is not so bad at all.

I used to keep a grateful journal, I have been very lax at that lately, I think I should start it again. Yes we are childless but we have so much else to be thankful for. I have a wonderful husband and family, I have a comfortable, warm and beautiful home, aside from the infertility I have my health, I live in a safe country where I can express myself, have a career as a woman and freely practise my religion, the list could go on and on for ever but I will stop here. When one writes all the little things down, you realize how much we have to be thankful for.

I am having my follow up with my RE on Thursday so will update again then.

Siblings Children May 23, 2009

So one of my sibling’s recently got married. My immediate thought was “I wonder how long they will wait before they start a family”

I love them they are a wonderful couple and deserve happiness but I cannot help my feelings of inadequacy. I am going to be the last sibling without any children, I am going to be the odd one out at family gatherings, I am going to be the only one without children and its going to kill me. I will smile and be happy on the outside but inside I will be dying.

On another note, I saw myself in the wedding photo’s I hate looking at it, it just shows how fat I am but nonetheless I have been comfort eating again lately so how can I expect to loose weight

Welcome May 12, 2009

Welcome to my blog. It’s totally anonymous because I want to be free to say what I want without being judged by people who know me. I want to be free to say exactly what I want without sanction by anyone.

Infertility is strange, one day you feel OK and able to deal with it and whatever else life throws at you but the very next day you want to give up on infertility and life and then of course the day after that you are ready to fight it again with every fibre of your being. That is the nature of infertility and that is why I have been doing this for 10 years and its my prerogative to change my mind as often as I want to.

I have weight challenges too, I have been challenged by my weight all my life but I have made my weight challenges secondary to my infertility challenges, I know it’s wrong but it is what it is, it’s called priorities.

I hope to meet some fellow infertility warriors, I hope to share our struggles and celebrate our joys and I hope to have meaningful discussions not just about infertilty but life in general too. I also hope that some of you can provide insight and advise on my weight challenges.