So after reading all the good news on sunshine’s blog, I think it is time I discuss that subject I hate so much and try to avoid at all costs, MY WEIGHT!!!
I have always been a heavy no fat girl. I joke and say that I must have been a fat embryo.
I have always struggled with my weight, my mother always struggled with my weight, my early memories are of my mother talking to friends or family saying that she was concerned about my weight, I remember them telling her not to worry it was “just baby fat” and it would disappear as soon as I got AF. AF arrived early for me at the age of 11 but the weight stayed. I again remember my mother raising her concerns to friends and they comforted her saying the weight would go when I “became a teenager and became interested in boys”; yes back in those days we only started dating in our teens, for me in my late teens very unlike today’s children. The weight never went even though I was fairly active and played a number of sports, I desperately wanted the weight to go so I added a variety of diets to the sport, including starvation, what teenager does not want to be svelte and sexy for the boys but the weight still did not shift.
Despite the weight I had a number of interested suitors and a number of boyfriends, they always thought my “curves” were sexy, one boyfriend said that his brother was envious of him because if he (my boyfriend) married me, he would be warm sleeping next to me whereas his brother was married to a super slim woman, who was apparently no fun to sleep with. Maybe that is where my complacity started, I had tried diet and exercise both failed and I remained a size 16 sometimes 18 but despite that people especially men found me attractive even beautiful. I always took special care of what I wore as well as my hair and make up, I felt I had to compensate for my fat. I always thought I was ugly but it seems most people did not agree.
When I met my husband and he doted on me, I started to think well maybe I am not so bad after all. I was happy and at the age of 25 I was engaged to handsome man who thought I was his fairytale princess, maybe I was not so ugly after all. I married and was so happy then within a year we started on the infertility roller coaster, we started with the mild drugs like clomid and pretty soon had to move onto the hard drugs and because I was a poor responder I always took masses of injections for a longer periods. We experienced our first miscarriage, I was trapped in the cycle, my weight started climbing, no exercise coupled with comfort eating and infertility drug was a recipe for disaster. My mother was really concerned about my weight and frankly so was I but as the years of dealing with IF became more and more so did my desire to deal with my weight become less and less. I only focused trying to get pg and once there to stay pg. Sadly I am now a size 20 sometimes 22 , I probably could do a size 18 in some clothes but am so embarrassed that I hide behind bigger clothes. I am ashamed and hate my body but just cannot seem to loose it. My diet is OK I follow a diabetic type diet because I have glucose issues but I do have binge issues and do no exercise.
After the loss of my twins I was down 16 pounds from when I got pg with them partly due to morning sickness and a strict diet as I was afraid of developing hypertension and gestational diabetes. Sadly I have gained all that weight back. Each negative since then has seen me gain a pound or 2 but I still don’t exercise, I don’t like exercise, I hate sweating but I know I have to but still I don’t . I know I could go walking but don’t, I have tried various home exercise programs but none last very long. So there it is I have confessed the ugly ugly truth about my weight.
I could have written a very similar post. Thank-you for being so courageous to talk about it. Binging and emotional eating are sneaky and I have heard so many women say the same thing about gaining weight along this journey. I blame some on the hormones we’re forced to take and most on the emotional weight that we carry. Recently, I changed my diet – nothing more than 10gm of sugar per serving, increase fruit and vegetables, limit process foods and drink lots of water. It has made a small change. The next step is to exercise. If you are looking to make small changes to get a little healthier, I’m willing to be a buddy.
I hate how infertility has changed how I perceive my body – not only shape, but function. Like you, I hate to exercise, so I just avoid looking at myself in the mirror and buy bigger clothing. But it doesn’t fix the problem, does it?
I don’t have an answer for either one of us.
It may be what you refer to as the “ugly ugly truth”, but trust me when I tell you, there is NOTHING ugly about you! You have a beautiful heart and lots of love to give.
I have always (until the last couple of years–since IF treatments) have been almost unhealthy skinny. The ugliness I felt was horrible. The ugliness I still feel is almost torture. Sometimes, I think it is borderline abuse of myself. So, it seems no matter what weight I am, I still can’t be my biggest cheerleader! Why do we do this to ourselves??
I think every woman has dealt with her own demons surrounding weight and body image issues, but very few talk about it. Thank you for putting your experience out there. I hope you can find some peace in your own body.
you are so brave Hope, and how amazing that you were willing to put that all out there– I think this is one of the biggest most fucked up issues for women– weight/self esteem such a horrid morass.
I wish on you comfort- physical, psychological, social– the absolute knowledge you are worthy and wonderful and loved and lovable.
thank you for being so brave and writing this, and what a beautiful image to share as well- THAT is beauty.
xo
Kate