I have been Honoured July 30, 2009

Sweet Georgia at http://babydancings.blogspot.com/   nominated me for the Honest Scrap Award.

 

The rules are pretty simple:
Post the picture on your blog
List 10 honest things about yourself
Pass the award on to 7 other bloggers. Link them on your site and let them know.

So here goes:
I am a loner, I love to spend quiet time with myself
I am a total shopaholic
I used to bite my nails, getting my nails done professionally fixed that
I had my first kiss at 10, in my defence I was totally in love
Even though I am hopeful; I am always sad
I have zero self confidence
I am 80% grey
I hate my job
I love food
I love wine

I don’t know that many bloggers and most of those who I do read have already been honured but if you stop by to read or comment consider yourself honoured by me and do the same on your blog.

What keeps us going? July 18, 2009

I am ready to proceed with our next course of action/treatment. My RE is back from his holiday next week so we will discuss and plan where to next (like I said before being a VET entitles me to jointly decide with my RE on my treatment). When it looked like my cycle was going to be cancelled the last time, we decided we needed to do some blood tests and see how things are going with my hormones. We also need to possibly look at doing another HSG to make sure all is well with my uterine cavity, will keep you updated.

So all this plotting and planning got me thinking about what has made me persevere for all these years; failure after failure, loss after loss we pick ourselves dust ourselves (and often our negative attitudes) off and proceed with the next treatment. For me I think it is a couple of things, like I said I have the determination to continue and hopefully achieve a live healthy baby. The courage to endure the injections, the ultrasounds, the procedures, the surgeries, the losses, the pain, the heartache. It does take courage to continue doing this year after year, I know of a number of people who after 1 or 2 rounds of treatment (often not even IVF) gave up saying it was too hard for them. And above all I have the hope and belief (yes some days my belief is at an all time low) that we will have success.

I often think of it like climbing a really big mountain, as you go higher and higher it gets harder and harder but you also know that you are getting closer the goal, closer to the summit. If you feel like you can go no further, you tell yourself that over the next rise you will see the peak, so you continue on instead of turning back. I feel like that, I have come so far and endured so much, I cannot go back now, surely my goal/baby lies just beyond the next rise. I feel like I am so close, I have to be close! I may be totally misguided but I really feel like I have to keep going, I somehow feel like my hard work, perseverance and courage will be rewarded.

Am I being silly? I know I don’t have many readers but would be interested to hear your thoughts on my thoughts and also what your thoughts are for yourself and your continuing quest for child? I have many more thoughts about this but that is for another post.

Enough is Enough July 13, 2009

It’s been 2 weeks since I fell apart, 2 weeks since I have been feeling sorry for myself. Enough is enough now, I need to get over my this and stop the pity party. I have not come this far after so many years with pity, I got here with hope, courage and determination.Yes there will always be difficult and sad days, how can there not be after what I have been through but I cannot allow myself to wallow in self pity

My RE is on holiday but will be back some time this week or next. I will contact him so that we can plan the way forward. When I am actively doing something I am less likely to get distracted with self pity. I need to restore my equilibrium.

I still have hope and I still believe!

Nostalgia July 5, 2009

I baked chocolate brownies today and cried all the time. I cried because I would love nothing more than to bake brownies with and for my child/children. To see the joy on their faces when they bite into the rich chocolaty treat, to see the chocolate all over their faces, hands and clothes, to clean the chocolate off them, kiss them on the forehead, tell them Mommy loves them and send them off to play. Will I ever get to experience those motherly joys or will it forever be a dream and never reality.

Emotions July 4, 2009

The last week has been very emotional for me, every time I think of Sundays events my eyes fill with tears. I have been avoiding my parents, it’s all too painful for me to even think of.

I have been mulling over the adoption question, after so many years, so many treatments, failure and losses our chances of succeeding are significantly reduced. Maybe its time I looked at more options. At the beginning of this journey I was of the opinion that there were certain things and treatments that we would not do for various reasons but as time went by and the failures grew I became more and more open to those alternatives. One of them was PGD, when I heard about PGD I said that I would never do it but as we experienced loss after loss, I decided that it was an option for us and we did it. It was preferable to going through another devastating miscarriage. It did not work for us but at least we tried it.

Maybe I am being silly about the whole Birth Mother thing. Being the Adopted Mother has so be so much better than being no ones mother. Like I said in my previous post I would love the child as it were my own flesh and blood. I have been having visions of us and later on me being a lonely old person. I know it has alot to do with what my father said but I am scared, I am scared of never being a mother to anyone other than my pets.