My Taboo Subject August 29, 2009

So after reading all the good news on sunshine’s blog, I think it is time I discuss that subject I hate so much and try to avoid at all costs, MY WEIGHT!!!
I have always been a heavy no fat girl. I joke and say that I must have been a fat embryo.

I have always struggled with my weight, my mother always struggled with my weight, my early memories are of my mother talking to friends or family saying that she was concerned about my weight, I remember them telling her not to worry it was “just baby fat” and it would disappear as  soon as I got AF.  AF arrived early for me at the age of 11 but the weight stayed. I again remember my mother raising her concerns to friends and they comforted her saying the weight would go when I “became a teenager and became interested in boys”; yes back in those days we only started dating in our teens,  for me in my late teens very unlike today’s children. The weight never went even though I was fairly active and played a number of sports, I desperately wanted the weight to go so I added a variety of diets to the sport, including starvation, what teenager does not want to be svelte and sexy for the boys but the weight still did not shift.

Despite the weight I had a number of interested suitors and a number of boyfriends, they always thought my “curves” were sexy, one boyfriend said that his brother was envious of him because if he (my boyfriend) married me, he would be warm sleeping next to me whereas his brother was married to a super slim woman, who was apparently no fun to sleep with. Maybe that is where my complacity started, I had tried diet and exercise both failed and I remained a size 16 sometimes 18 but despite that people especially men found me attractive even beautiful. I always took special care of  what I wore as well as my hair and make up, I felt I had to compensate for my fat. I always thought I was ugly but it seems most people did not agree.

When I met my husband and he doted on me, I started to think well maybe I am not so bad after all. I was happy and at the age of 25 I was engaged to handsome man who thought I was his fairytale princess, maybe I was not so ugly after all. I married and was so happy then within  a year we started on the infertility roller coaster, we started with the mild drugs like clomid and pretty soon had to move onto the hard drugs and because I was a poor responder I always took masses of injections for a longer periods. We experienced our first miscarriage, I was trapped in the cycle, my weight started climbing, no exercise coupled with comfort eating and infertility drug was a recipe for disaster. My mother was really concerned about my weight and frankly so was I but as the years of dealing with IF became more and more so did my desire to deal with my weight become less and less. I only focused trying to get pg and once there to stay pg. Sadly I am now a size 20 sometimes 22 , I probably could do a size 18 in some clothes but am so embarrassed that I hide behind bigger clothes. I am ashamed and hate my body but just cannot seem to loose it. My diet is OK I follow a diabetic type diet because I have glucose issues but I do have binge issues  and do no exercise.

After the loss of my twins I was down 16 pounds from when I got pg with them partly due to morning sickness and a strict diet as I was afraid of developing hypertension and gestational diabetes. Sadly I have gained all that weight back. Each negative since then has seen me gain a pound or 2 but I still don’t exercise, I don’t like exercise, I hate sweating but I know I have to but still I don’t . I know I could go walking but don’t, I have tried various home exercise programs but none last very long. So there it is I have confessed the ugly ugly truth about my weight.

Blood Tests August 23, 2009

So I eventually had my blood tests and there is nothing that stands out as majorly different from the last time we tested. Where to next is the question; there is the option of having surgery to ensure that there is no uterine scarring after my twins had to be delivered via caesarian section. I am not sure that I want to do that, I have had way too many surgeries already. I have not made any final decisions yet but at this stage I am more leaning towards just going into another cycle. Time is also not on my side so I don’t really want to take months off recuperating again after a surgery. I am hopeful and want to move forward, we have enough cash to do another IVF so now just to get timing right with Mr Hoping and I, we both have upcoming business trips scheduled in the next few weeks, so unless I decide to in fact have surgery we will most likely be doing another cycle some time in October. There is a bit of an issue with my blood glucose levels so in the interim I am trying to focus on health and loose some weight to stabilize those levels..

Another Award August 15, 2009

Wow I am so honoured to have I received another award, One Lovely Blog award, thank you teejay http://teejay-inconceivable.blogspot.com/

So I am going to try my best to get this right, I am not very good with all the technical blog stuff, lets see how it goes, I don’t read that many blogs and some of you may have received it already but I enjoy reading your blog and think its lovely so will nominate you.

Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link.
Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

 

Kate at http://i-cant-whistle.blogspot.com/

Sunshine at http://waitinginsunshine.typepad.com/blog/

Phoebe at http://talesphoenix.blogspot.com/

Sweet Georgia at http://babydancings.blogspot.com/

Mrs Higrens at http://higrensandco.blogspot.com/

As you can see I don’t know how to add a link or post the picture on the side, perhaps someone can help me.

The Journey August 7, 2009

You may recall that I mentioned a while back that I was ready to start treatment again. I knew my RE would soon be back from his holiday. It took me a full 2 weeks before I eventually contacted him. He wants to redo blood tests on day 2, 3, and 4 of my cycle but the problem is that I never get a period on my own; the stubborn old girl always needs some kind of external stimulus before she arrives and even then she takes her own sweet time. I think he forgot about my absent periods when we were talking about the way forward and to be honest so did I. I now need to call him again to give me some kind of period stimulator but it has been a week already and I have still done nothing about it. Why am I dragging my feet about this? I want to try again but I just cannot seem to get going, it seems like such a chore for me, I should be eager and excited but I am not.

I thought long and hard about this last night and I have this theory that is now stuck in my mind, I don’t know what to think of it, is it true or am I over analyzing things. My theory is, I have been on this road for a while, almost as long as I am married. Infertility and cycles and treatments and injections and retrievals and transfers and HPT’s and blood tests and sonograms and miscarriages is all I know. I wonder if my reluctance is my body and mind telling me that it is time to stop this madness but the sad thing is, I know nothing else, all I know is infertility. What will I do with my life if I stop, what will I spend my money on? You may laugh and think I am crazy but it is true, that has been the reality of my life for the last 9 years; everything we buy or do is always measured in IVF or treatment units. If we want to plan a holiday, we always think how many IVF’s will that cost us. If we want to buy something for the house we always think how many injections or sonograms will that cost us. We then do a trade off and it is usually IVF that wins.  We are so used to sacrificing the pleasures is life because we always have to keep money for IVF. I must add though that I am very thankful and grateful that we are in position to be able to afford to do treatment, I know there are many people who cannot afford it.

Time is also always measured in treatment or IVF Cycles. If we do go away for a longer period of time I always think of where I will be in a cycle and will I be back in time for sonograms or injections or retrievals or blood tests. If we are planning something far in advance my first thought is always what if I am pregnant, how will that affect it? I often then decide not to even go just in case I am pregnant. Any future pregnancies of mine will be considered high risk from the beginning, possibly with bed rest. I have lived my life like this for the last 9 years, I do try to be normal but its so hard when you want something so much that it consumes every fibre of your being let alone every moment and aspect of your life. It’s hard to try and live a normal life

I know this may sound really funny to fertile people but you might get it. I cannot imagine my life without infertility and treatment. I hardly ever even imagine a baby at the end of it all, all I can think of is doing treatment. I imagine the road and the journey but rarely the final destination. It is like an addiction, a road to nowhere and I don’t know how to stop even if I wanted to I don’t think I could. I just continue on the endless road which goes through the long desert because that is the way it has been and that is the way it will be. The alternative scares me, if I get off the road and stop I will forever be stuck in the dry and lonely desert, so for now I will remain on the road hoping that it will bring to the oasis I so desperately want and need.

I have been Honoured July 30, 2009

Sweet Georgia at http://babydancings.blogspot.com/   nominated me for the Honest Scrap Award.

 

The rules are pretty simple:
Post the picture on your blog
List 10 honest things about yourself
Pass the award on to 7 other bloggers. Link them on your site and let them know.

So here goes:
I am a loner, I love to spend quiet time with myself
I am a total shopaholic
I used to bite my nails, getting my nails done professionally fixed that
I had my first kiss at 10, in my defence I was totally in love
Even though I am hopeful; I am always sad
I have zero self confidence
I am 80% grey
I hate my job
I love food
I love wine

I don’t know that many bloggers and most of those who I do read have already been honured but if you stop by to read or comment consider yourself honoured by me and do the same on your blog.

What keeps us going? July 18, 2009

I am ready to proceed with our next course of action/treatment. My RE is back from his holiday next week so we will discuss and plan where to next (like I said before being a VET entitles me to jointly decide with my RE on my treatment). When it looked like my cycle was going to be cancelled the last time, we decided we needed to do some blood tests and see how things are going with my hormones. We also need to possibly look at doing another HSG to make sure all is well with my uterine cavity, will keep you updated.

So all this plotting and planning got me thinking about what has made me persevere for all these years; failure after failure, loss after loss we pick ourselves dust ourselves (and often our negative attitudes) off and proceed with the next treatment. For me I think it is a couple of things, like I said I have the determination to continue and hopefully achieve a live healthy baby. The courage to endure the injections, the ultrasounds, the procedures, the surgeries, the losses, the pain, the heartache. It does take courage to continue doing this year after year, I know of a number of people who after 1 or 2 rounds of treatment (often not even IVF) gave up saying it was too hard for them. And above all I have the hope and belief (yes some days my belief is at an all time low) that we will have success.

I often think of it like climbing a really big mountain, as you go higher and higher it gets harder and harder but you also know that you are getting closer the goal, closer to the summit. If you feel like you can go no further, you tell yourself that over the next rise you will see the peak, so you continue on instead of turning back. I feel like that, I have come so far and endured so much, I cannot go back now, surely my goal/baby lies just beyond the next rise. I feel like I am so close, I have to be close! I may be totally misguided but I really feel like I have to keep going, I somehow feel like my hard work, perseverance and courage will be rewarded.

Am I being silly? I know I don’t have many readers but would be interested to hear your thoughts on my thoughts and also what your thoughts are for yourself and your continuing quest for child? I have many more thoughts about this but that is for another post.

Enough is Enough July 13, 2009

It’s been 2 weeks since I fell apart, 2 weeks since I have been feeling sorry for myself. Enough is enough now, I need to get over my this and stop the pity party. I have not come this far after so many years with pity, I got here with hope, courage and determination.Yes there will always be difficult and sad days, how can there not be after what I have been through but I cannot allow myself to wallow in self pity

My RE is on holiday but will be back some time this week or next. I will contact him so that we can plan the way forward. When I am actively doing something I am less likely to get distracted with self pity. I need to restore my equilibrium.

I still have hope and I still believe!

Nostalgia July 5, 2009

I baked chocolate brownies today and cried all the time. I cried because I would love nothing more than to bake brownies with and for my child/children. To see the joy on their faces when they bite into the rich chocolaty treat, to see the chocolate all over their faces, hands and clothes, to clean the chocolate off them, kiss them on the forehead, tell them Mommy loves them and send them off to play. Will I ever get to experience those motherly joys or will it forever be a dream and never reality.

Emotions July 4, 2009

The last week has been very emotional for me, every time I think of Sundays events my eyes fill with tears. I have been avoiding my parents, it’s all too painful for me to even think of.

I have been mulling over the adoption question, after so many years, so many treatments, failure and losses our chances of succeeding are significantly reduced. Maybe its time I looked at more options. At the beginning of this journey I was of the opinion that there were certain things and treatments that we would not do for various reasons but as time went by and the failures grew I became more and more open to those alternatives. One of them was PGD, when I heard about PGD I said that I would never do it but as we experienced loss after loss, I decided that it was an option for us and we did it. It was preferable to going through another devastating miscarriage. It did not work for us but at least we tried it.

Maybe I am being silly about the whole Birth Mother thing. Being the Adopted Mother has so be so much better than being no ones mother. Like I said in my previous post I would love the child as it were my own flesh and blood. I have been having visions of us and later on me being a lonely old person. I know it has alot to do with what my father said but I am scared, I am scared of never being a mother to anyone other than my pets.

Failure and Adoption June 28, 2009

I am writing this post with my eyes swollen, so swollen, I can barely see but I need to get this off my chest. My eyes are swollen because I have been crying for the last 2 hours.My parents were here today and before they left my Dad told my husband and I that he would like to speak to us, when he started I just knew what was coming and fought hard to control the tears but when he said those word the sobs erupted with such a violent force that I ran to my room and locked myself in there while my heart broke again. My fathers speech was something along the lines of we (DH and I) love each other so much, we love our pets so much, we have so much love to give to others, our home is open to others and we are prepared to help when helped is needed, in short he wishes that we would adopt, he then started crying and said that when he closes his eyes one day, he wants to know that we will be happy, that we too will have children who will love us as much as we love them, I am not sure what the rest was because that is when I ran out of the room sobbing. They left pretty soon after that apologizing if they had offended us or said anything wrong but they said it because they love us. I have been crying non stop since then a because I know have let my parents down so much, I know their greatest wish is to be grandparents and they deserve it, I have let my husband down he deserves a wife who can give him children. I am such a failure, right now I hate myself and my stupid body.

Then I need to address the A word………………………….. Adoption.

In the last 5 or so years (once I realized that it is very possible that it will never happen for us) I have thought much about adoption, I am not against adoption, in fact I would like nothing more than to love and raise and teach a child about life, see the world through their eye’s, experience motherhood in all its glory BUT I am so scared because it will never be 100% my child. I have discussed this matter at length with friends who have adopted and I don’t think they get where I am because they do not have the same fears/irrationality’s that I do. I want the child to be mine 100%,  it will just break my heart when that  child goes to look for their biological mother, I would have given my all to that child, I know that I will raise them 200% as if they were my own biological child and then when the day comes that they start asking or go searching, I don’t think I will be able to deal with that. I know that most adopted children just want to know where they come from but their adopted parents are always their “parents” but for me that is not enough. If I could have everything my way I would not even want to tell the child that he or she is adopted and that, I know is very wrong, I have to tell them.

I am too messed up about adoption to do it. I know many people think my fear/thinking is irrational but I cannot deny it. Today I am not hopeful today I am very very scared, scared that we are never going to have children, scared that I am never going to have a child wrap their arms around my neck and say Mom I love you, scared that I will never have a sick child want only me being their Mom tomcomfort them, I  am so scared and panicked , I feel a physical pain my heart. The tears continue to roll but it does not take away the pain of the fear in fact it just increases it so maybe I should stop here